Love is the Reason for Everything

So some days you just get the bug in you and it needs to wiggle its way out. An idea, a thought, a strong feeling that will not be ignored pulls at you from within and pushes its way out until you are overcome with the need to communicate and finally allow it to escape. It began while sipping my coffee, like a small snowball at the top of my mental hill it began rolling down all through my morning routine. It picked up speed and mass along the way until it eventually crashed into the front of my brain refusing to be ignored. Basically it is still a tangled mess of feelings and thoughts that are difficult to formulate clearly, but I feel compelled to do my best, so I will begin. To try and explain something that you are quite frankly still in the middle of is terrifying. As I wade into murky waters I cannot imagine where it all will end. The full scope and contents are obscured from view and only hope mingled with curiosity propels me forward to discover what lies beneath and beyond its depths. So to speak my heart while the rest of me is still so unclear on where I am headed lands on my logic as being painfully foolish. But my deep desire to be courageously vulnerable and absolutely honest fights back. I desire to liberate my consciousness from the fear that ensnares it and limits love. Perfect love casts out all fear and so my ultimate goal in life is to live in that light, the light of perfect love. Cascaded in the radiance of that perfect love I desire to speak truth, my truth. Hopefully this foolish bravery will emancipate another soul even as I in the process quite possibly fall from the graces of many others. I trust that those meant to hear will hear, and those meant to be in my life will stay.

Well back to where to start. Sometimes in life we are confounded by ourselves and others. In that confusion we change, we are humbled, we soften against everything we thought we previously knew so well. It is sad that empathy often grows through pain and shared pain at that. I would like to believe myself a person that has kind, loving understanding eyes towards everyone in the world, but that has not always been the case in some arenas and may still not be the case in others. I have learned things I didn’t know about myself. I have had to wrestle with full honesty and understanding about them. Ultimately I hope that while in position of submission to all that I discover, I will truly surrender to the whole truth and accept myself completely. You’d think this would be easy as I have a clear motivation to be loving and accepting towards myself. But, I have been so conditioned to win the love and approval of others that I would almost prefer to deny myself and sacrifice for the happiness, comfort and good of others around me. I do not want to be dishonest, but I am tethered tightly to a rather long held belief passed on by my family and culture that this kind of self denial is noble, right and true. However, I am learning what this does is give power to the shadow side in me, the parts that lurk in the darkness because I will not allow the sun to shine in those recesses. The places I find unacceptable are denied access to the oxygen and space of exposure. These hidden places in themselves may not be bad, just something I am afraid of or not quite sure how to own. When shrouded in darkness and fear, shame and negativity are allowed to grow like an insidious monster stifling the joy, peace and love that would thrive in the open light.

I have been fine with this arrangement for many years, until I began learning the danger of shame in all areas of life. I first had to name it, recognize it and move away from people in my life that intentionally played on it in order to control me. But it took having an unexpected experience for me to begin to identify that at times I have been the one to allow shame to grow wild in me. I am the one who chose to believe being a certain way makes you good and being another means that maybe you are bad. This simplistic duality is flawed. I have often shrunk myself down in life to meet the expectations of others or fit a prescribed mold. I have done this in both trying not to shine too brightly in my talents and abilities and in not acknowledging or making efforts to minimize less desirable sides of myself. Not wanting to attract too much attention for positive or negative aspects of myself. I have learned that I benefit no one by playing small, by denying parts of myself or by allowing myself to quietly validate a broken system through my silence and compliance. I become a part of the very thing that hurts and stifles the ability for others to truly and openly be themselves and live their best lives. Doing this also makes it impossible for me to live my best life. Discovering a dormant part in me may have only been one small branch on the tree of me, that I could prune, ignore, or maybe even just move beyond, but for many others it is a ginormous part of them, it is in every fiber of them. It is the reason many fear being true to themselves or the reason they have faced rejection and pain because they were in fact completely honest with themselves and others and lived their truth out loud against the grain of those who wished them silent or nonexistent.

I have lived too much of my life with a clear sense of “knowing” what’s right and wrong and aligning myself with this concept that I am on the side of good. It comes from a place of idealism, but can be haughtily over-confident and faulty in its simplicity. I have softened in this stance and been humbled. I do not always know the absolute right and wrong on every issue and often the theoretical black and white have bled into something much more gray in real life. I consider this one of the greatest blessings of having chosen a profession where I am exposed to so many people often in their most vulnerable and difficult life moments. It has taught me to see how many different types of people there really are in the world and how many various complex things people face. Life in a sheltered environment can appear straightforward and clean cut when you’re young, but give it time. Life is messy. It’s beautiful, but it is messy.

My own early adult life was an attempt to make good grades, choose the right career, marry the right man, go to church, do the right thing and make the good choices that would lead to the good life. I had a bit of a messy childhood in moments so it was natural for me to think I could improve my reality once I finally had my hands on the steering wheel of life. Then I learned that even when I think I am driving, the steering wheel isn’t actually attached to the axle and the axle isn’t attached to the wheels. The level of control any of us have in life is minimal at best, and certainly never to the level we delude ourselves into believing. Yes there are consequences to choices, but sometimes there are consequences to just breathing. Life happens. We can all be victims of circumstance, genetics, environment, and the choices of others and not everything pans out as clearly as the road map indicates. Despite this I still believe that life is happening not to us, but for us. There is something to be discovered, learned, embraced and not just endured in these difficult moments of trials and pain. This is where we learn not just who we are inside, but how connected we are with everyone else. Nothing unites like a shared experience, especially a shared overwhelmingly challenging experience.

Well all this lead up should have made my story easier to tell, but I still feel a catch in my throat, a tingle in my spine and a hesitation in my spirit. Rejection can be a real hard pill to swallow and it’s often easier to pretend you don’t care or even more aggressively reject others first. But I am making an effort to not do that here, to just own my stuff and let the chips fall where they may. I want the truth of my story to help connect others to a deeper truth.

So here goes...... I fell in love with a woman. I have at times since probably college found myself attracted in fleeting moments to women. I was pursued by some when I was younger and politely declined as it was not something I felt drawn towards and most of the time had a boyfriend and then later a husband. I did not think this a strong part of who I was until I opened myself up completely to the idea of it when a friend and I developed feelings for one another. I said yes to a situation that led to a strong bond, deep love, heady attraction and complete unraveling of my previous understanding of myself and the world in which I live. The situation was complicated further by a large age difference and life circumstances that would have made even a heterosexual relationship difficult to impossible to sustain. I disappointed her because I could not and would not own our love and attraction to one another publicly as I did not feel we were going the same direction in life. I felt I heard God tell me “no” in my spirit. I did share the situation with most of my close friends and family and was most definitely battling within myself regarding how much further I should own this out in the world. I knew that it would likely bond me tighter to this person as we faced the world together and I did not feel we were meant to be united in that way or live our lives together as partners or family. I also was very concerned about how this would land on my children as it is hard enough to endure divorced parents, all the complications of being young and the idea of your mom being with anyone besides your dad. In consideration of their feelings I had not dated anyone openly since their father and I divorced, and now I was expecting them to deal with me being with a woman. It seemed too much to ask. Nothing about this situation was easy for me internally or otherwise, but the feelings of blissful happiness when I was with my friend were so real. It was a struggle between heart and head, feelings and thoughts, but the spiritual side to it was not so clear. We prayed together, I cared deeply for her soul and still do. While I was clear on the voice in my spirt telling me to release her to God’s care, I did not feel at all that loving her was wrong. When I was with her physically it did not feel wrong or like something I regretted as compared to some moments I have had in the hook up scene in college and then again briefly after my divorce. I have in moments of poor choices felt the disassociation of my spirit from my body, satisfying the flesh at the expense of the soul. This was not that. This was a genuine care for all of her.

None of this disclosure is meant to rationalize my behavior, although I of course have been tempted to do that especially while in the strong feelings of it. I am not currently in this relationship and the doors have been very tightly shut regarding any likelihood of reentry, so I have no motivation to discover that this is in fact okay for me to feel the way I did, or rationalize my same sex attraction so that I can pursue it now. I have actually dissected everything about it and have reconciled with myself that it was indeed real, but something for the most part I am glad is over. This is not because I do not want to be gay, but because this particular relationship was one I was most definitely meant to walk away from completely. I still do have a strong curiosity regarding that side of myself and have tried to open my mind and heart to what being in a full partnership with a woman would be like or if it is something that I would want if I could fully embrace this side of myself and get over society’s stance on this. It is of course more generally accepted in society today, but in the church that is not the case at all. It is a place of clear rejection and that is the reason I have felt this bubbling up inside me today. I have hangups about telling all of my story to everyone, because not everyone is safe. But I feel the need to talk about it, not specifically to reveal this side of myself as I honestly would prefer not to, but to discuss the larger issue that this part of my story has revealed to me. It is a problem when the very people who are supposed to be spreading love on the planet are rejecting a huge percentage of people because of the gender/sexuality of the people they love.

My experience while the catalyst for my involvement in this conversation is not at all the point of the discussion. I have very briefly in my life identified with a side of humanity that many, especially in the church, still shun openly as sinful and disdainful lost souls. But, having gone through this experience I now question this position beyond what would have been possible to conceptualize if it was purely an intellectualized discussion. It has become personal and much more on my radar. This is to my embarrassment as I feel I should have been more attuned to the feelings of others before there was overlap with my own, but now that I am aware I feel compelled to not shrink away or ignore it despite my discomfort. I have always loved my gay friends and family members, but did not put much thought into the church’s stance and behavior towards the LGBT community. I have read the scriptures and I know why many people feel the way they do, but I now see the harm that has been caused to so many based on an interpretation of the Bible that isolates and excludes a very large group of people. I believe it is incorrect to assume this common religious policy is shared by Christ. The church or many churches in the south and in our area specifically have made a point of excluding LGBT people from service in the church, membership, and sometimes participation. This is insane to me. People are people and we are all equally human.

I know who I am, although I do not always understand myself completely, I am self aware and make a great effort to continue to grow in self actualization. Beyond this fact and more importantly, I know I am God’s. I belong to Him, because of Christ’s love for me and His relentless pursuit of my soul. I do not always listen well to God’s gentle whisper and when I do listen, I do not always obey. But I am always His and I am always loved. The way I express my love back to God is through listening for His voice and obeying what He says, but this does not mean following the political or doctrinal line. This means God and me communing and living in unity. Yes I need my other Christian brothers and sisters in community, as we are collectively the church and part of the same body and meant to operate in harmony as a healthy body should. But why is it that people who are homosexual are shunned from the church and made to feel that they are separate and unworthy?

I know many have scripture references they are mentally procuring to throw at me in response to this inquiry, but that will not convince me. I have read the Bible too, I have read many books in fact and I do know it is possible to be forever learning and never coming to the knowledge of the truth. This phrase itself is found in Timothy in reference to women who are led astray by wicked men who confuse and deceive those weighed down with sin and led astray by passions. So I do recognize the irony. However, I do not believe I am deceived or wrong about God being deeply in love with all His creation including those who are different, maybe even especially those. The 66 books of the Bible are collectively pointing towards the Gospel, the Good News. This Good News is the unchanging, infallible, overwhelming, all encompassing love of God that even the dimensions of the universe could not quantify. This love is the same love Christ expressed by spending much of His time and attention eating with and focusing on the lives of those society found distasteful.

I do not believe God makes mistakes or that someone is a mistake based on some physical feature, genetic composition, gender or sexuality. I think we are all equally loved and lovable and that the measuring and ranking by physical appearance, intellect, wealth, position in society, race, culture, sexuality or gender is all manmade; not God designed. Our differences challenge us to love better, harder, to embrace more completely and outside of our comfort zone, more like God would. All have sinned and that is why God had a plan of redemption since the very beginning. God created us and then chose to love us all enough to both set us free and win us back from the place our freedom of choice would inevitably lead us. It’s not about us really and when we tell the story as if it is, we miss the point. It is about Love. That is who God is......LOVE.

Sin is a word that matters, but what does it mean really? There are the 10 Commandments written on stone before Moses and then the 613 other regulations in the Torah, and there was of course the first story of sin in the Bible about Adam and Eve being given everything, yet choosing to take a bite out of the one forbidden thing. Then when Jesus comes there is a higher law that speaks to our thoughts; where lust is equal to adultery. For the rich young ruler, refusing to sell everything he had and follow Jesus was sin and for others drinking alcohol may be a sin. Sin is choosing or in some cases desiring anything more than God. We sin because we have free will. Everyone does it by virtue of being human. But God knew this would happen when He gave me the will to make my own choices to be an individual instead of a puppet programmed to do whatever He desires. Does that mean He wanted me to pull away from Him and choose something I shouldn’t? No it means He desired REAL relationship and an opportunity to demonstrate HIS GREAT LOVE. That requires someone being allowed to choose and fail, and then being loved and redeemed anyways. It’s not about us, it is about God’s love for us. When we categorize, rank, and compartmentalize people according to what sin they commit it is not God in us, it is the human in us. God sees us for who He created us to be and loves us completely not despite that, but because He created us to be loved. That is our basic purpose, to be loved and respond in love. He also does not love us more if we are better at life, better at keeping the standard or accomplishing great things.

I am not less lovable today than when I was first born. Clearly I have made many mistakes since that day, but I am not less lovable to my Creator. Similarly I am not more lovable since the day I was born, I have done many good things since that day, efforts made to improve the world, accomplishments and accolades that I have received, lives I have saved. Still I am not more lovable to God because of that. I am just loved. Period. It’s a love story which is not about how lovable the loved one is, love is above and beyond such details. Love just is, just like God.

I think this has been the point of the worthiness movement, helping people see themselves as enough, as worthy of love and belonging in the world. It is a collective call to the spirit within all humans to recognize that intrinsic divine spirit that unites us all and treat one another and ourselves with the dignity this prompts. I had a friend say recently that she was not a fan of this as she felt it diluted the truth of Christianity that we are all unworthy and the only thing worthy in us is Christ. I understand what she is saying and I have likely said something similar as far as stating the only good in me is the good that Jesus brings. However, I think that it is worth making the distinction that while all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and we all need redemption, it is also honoring to God to recognize the divinity in one another. We all exist as an extension of His glory and God Himself called all of creation good, very good. God made humans in the image of God, “let us make man in Our image”. That in its essence was God calling us worthy, worthy of His love. We are worthy of His efforts towards us, His breath in our lungs and His creative, merciful and redemptive touch throughout history. Why? Because God created us to be pursued and loved by Him. He assigned our value and to God apparently we are worth everything. We will never be good enough to be on the same level with God, but we are all equal with one another. We are all equally loved and adored, so much that God came down to our level just to be close to us.

We have in the church made God in our own imaginations, too small, too exclusive and too petty. It seems we have made God in our image instead of the other way around. I am always very cognizant of statements I make about God, as I never want to lead someone astray as I do find truth to be critically important in life. Admittedly I am not always right and I do not know how to speak accurately to every issue and position ethically, morally or spiritually. But I do know one thing for sure, I am deeply loved by God and my spirit comes from and communes with Him. By the grace of Christ’s redemptive love I will continue to be in communion with God for all eternity. I want all people to know this and palpably taste, see and feel God’s love in their life. I do not want to be one to lead people down any path that is not meant for them, but I believe that is what we are doing when we exclude and ostracize people who have had or are in same sex relationships. My job is to be a reflection of the radiant love Christ pours out and that means loving everyone always, including myself, all of me. The Holy Spirit and the Word of God is beneficial for correcting, reproofing and convicting people of the places in their lives that need edification. That’s not my job, and frankly people are terrible at doing it with love because of their own areas of imperfection. Those planks often obscure the view when we go after specks. We all need one another, but more often than not it is in offering love and a hand up that we help, not through criticism and judgement. I am not in this saying that being gay is a sin, but that we all are sinning in different ways all the time. It is less helpful to the overall good of humanity to point out the sin of another than it is to ask God where in my heart and mind I can be more in alignment with His Spirit.

I told part of my own story because it’s this part of my life that showed me how I was not loving big enough and made me more aware of the way the church has also been inadequate in expressing love. I do not know what twists and turns are still ahead for me as my story is still being lived and I have over and over again been taught by the humbling hand of time that I do not know what the future holds. I do know who holds the future and who has held my heart through all the ups and downs of life. I am not going to let fear dictate my next season of life. I want to be one hundred percent honest with myself and others about who I am and who God is making me into daily. I see that there is so much beauty in me because of His touch. If there’s things you do not like about my story, my choices, my design or my composition as a creation and child of God I will accept this. I choose to not be wounded by this or afraid of the rejection any longer. I believe the most important choice I will make during my lifetime is to trust that God is crazy about me and to show the same level of love to others. I am grateful for all the depths God has shown me directly of His love and I do hope to shape my life as a reflection of that love. I do not believe that means I have to conform to someone else’s understanding of what that looks like. Over time I think that I will begin to look more like Christ, the personification of God’s love in human form. But Christ in me does not mean I am not still me and all the facets of me were made to bring God glory and to live out my specific purpose. That includes all sides of me. I want others to unapologetically embrace the unique and beautiful way that God made them and to believe unabashedly with all their hearts that they are so deeply and fully loved by God as well.

I hate that it took me discovering an unknown facet of my sexuality to become more aware of and sensitive to the lack of embrace being offered to the LGBT community and the way that they are treated as separate. I know I am not separate. We are all connected to the Vine, to the Source. We are loved with all the energy of the Universe, this is God. God is Love. I receive this love and I offer it back to everyone always with sincerity and humility as best I can. It is the most important choice I will make in my life. The one that above all others I will be held accountable for in the end.

I finish with this quote from the author of The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning.

"In the 48 years since I was first ambushed by Jesus in a little chapel in the Allegheny Mountains of Western Pennsylvania, and then literally the thousands of hours of prayer and meditation, silence and solitude over those years I am now utterly convinced that on judgement day, Jesus is going to ask each of us one question and only one question.

'Did you believe that I loved you? That I desired you? That I waited for you day after day? That I longed to hear the sound of your voice?'

The real believers there will answer, 'Yes Jesus, I believe in your love and I tried to shape my life as a response to it.'"

GOD LOVES YOU! BELIEVE IT!

Immeasurable Love

#Love #Free #Truth